The Communication Process

Online, we have only words to communicate the meaning we try to convey. There are no nonverbal cues to tell me that someone is joking or using sarcasm etc. and there's no immediate feedback to allow clarification... we typically write a post back based on how we perceived someone elses post whether our perceptions were congruent with what they intended or not...

The process of communication goes something like this:

• Person A uses words to try and convey what they mean (the words that are chosen and *how* those words are used influence the likelihood that others reading those words will be able to interpret those word as Person A intended without taking offense which may or may not have been intended)
• Person B sees those words, interprets them based on their beliefs and infers meaning (which may or may not be accurate).

Things that can promote misunderstanding and/or hard feelings:

Aspects of the sender's attempt at communication:

Stating something as *the truth* vs qualifying it as one's perceptions or beliefs.

Using words that are derogatory or have surplus negative meaning.

Using judgemental words.

Using "You ____" statements rather than "I feel ____" statements

Calling someone a name.

Being rude or insulting.

Aspects of the receiver:

Having unresolved issues about a topic.

Jumping to conclusions or taking offense without requesting feedback.

So the words we choose to use to convey when we mean *and* the way to say them is *very* important. It's equally important IMO to request clarification rather then just assuming that onw knows what someone else *meant* to say... ESPECIALLY if one feels anger/offended/etc. and it's EXCEEDINGLY important to choose one's words carefully if you are angry or offended or etc to attempt to resolve the problem rather than just simply escalating the conflict and hard feelings becuase we're angry.

Many people fail to distinguish between anger and the real emotion they felt when they read something. For instance, if someone I was interacting with told me that they don't care if I'm hurt/frustrated/etc because of what they said, I personally would feel hurt and put down and could choose to react by lashing out at them and trying to hurt them back because I was angry that they didn't care enuf about me to care about my feelings *or* I could choose to tell them that I was hurt/etc and tell them why without becoming verbally abusive.

Conflict is inevitable. It's to be expected. To escalate the conflict by being rude/lashing back/putting down is simply not acceptible. To sit on one's feelings and stew is not the solution. Telling people that I'm _______ (fill in the blank) because of x, y & z without blaming/putting down/etc is the only way I know of to communicate that promotes understanding. This of course is assuming that the people interacting care enuf about each others feelings to be able to say... oops didn't mean it that way, or gee... I didn't realize that z was hurting you and I'll try not to do it again... or even. wow... I'm sorry that upset you... perhaps we'll just have to agree to disagree.

Our goal here is to communicate... not to escalate conflict and hard feelings. isn't it!?

The words we choose are important and the way we say them is important.

What effect would your words have on the other person?

• Would they escalate the other person's anger?
• Would they help promote understanding?
• Would they make it more likely that the ohter person will communicate in caring and considerate ways?

If the answer to any of the above is no... Then it would be a good thing to rephrase what you were going to say.

In summary:

• Try to communicate in healthy ways that promote understanding and reduce the likelihood of misunderstandings.
• If you get angry/hurt/etc because of something someone said, it's *NOT* ok to flame them.
• If someone gets verbally abusive or is rude etc it's *NOT* ok to respond in turn on the list. You may tell them why you're upset but you may *not* get verbally abusive doing so.
• If you simply must flame someone DO IT VIA PRIVATE e-mail.

---